everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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