Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Randomize