It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
