I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
