Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
soo... how was my night?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
