I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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