You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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