If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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