The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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