if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She's the barista slut.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
