Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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