You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
