Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
