There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
