I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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