Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Drake has all the answers
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize