She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
