god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
