I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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