My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
