Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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