Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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