i think my tv is drunk
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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