I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
