my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
