apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
