Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
