And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
