I haven't been this sober since birth.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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