so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
