saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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