@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
