My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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