Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Even my vagina gasped.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize