My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
you never un-have a 4some
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
