I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
