Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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