my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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