I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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