I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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