i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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