Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
