Betty ford says i'm here all night
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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