Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
