I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
