Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
