dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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