My cat gives me a boner
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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