apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
