just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
