Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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