I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
