Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
