i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
