I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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