Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
what day is it and did you see me today?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
NoShamevember. You game?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
And then he peed in my hair
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