so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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