Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
