matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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