Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
