this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
