Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
