A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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