Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
