if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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