i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
