the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
