We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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