What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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