brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
